It is not about the one who dies, it is about the one who is left shattered. Death– An inevitable event that happens in one’s life. A death is never a pleasant occasion. An event where the family is plunged into despair. Death– it send chills down spine hearing the loss of a loved one. To accept the fact that, the person is no more around you becomes hard. The person who used to wake up with you every morning, drinks tea with you every evening has gone to another world. A world no one knows a lot about. A world that frightens us. It becomes even harder for us to contemplate a future without them.
We are all left shattered at one point in our life or we will be. It becomes hard for us to expose ourselves and remain the same. A death of a loved one can change us forever. We never really heal from that shattered heart. We never recover. We move on but never come out of their thought. We, being the closest to that person, are completely devastated. We feel like we are lost. The mind cannot fathom the situation. The thoughts are clear and blurry at the same time. Most of the people realize the wrongs they have done to that person. Perhaps, they will never get a chance to make things right. That makes it even more stressful. They will be forced to live through a guilt-ridden life forever.
The mind plays with you. It reminds you of the good times you have spent with them but this time tears roll down through your cheeks. We befriend silence. We find peace in not disturbing our thoughts and maintaining a silence. It is hard for me when I see someone who is going through this phase. I don’t know what that feels like, but I know it surely is not a pleasant feeling. The thought of my loved one not near me can fill my heart with fear. The feelings of a husband who lost his wife could be immense. They have lost their better half. They have lost their life-long companion. When a person knows you well and has been living with you for a long time, their mind, body and soul are almost in sync with yours. The detachment that happens can literally break down a person. They have lost someone who knows them well, their dark and dull side, and their happy side. The dreams they have built together, breaks down half way. There will be a void created inside their heart. A space no other person can fit. A space that was made by that particular person in his or her own shape. It will exist for long. Perhaps, forever. Like I said one doesn’t completely come out of that despair.
A heart that is in pieces now due to losing someone to death can never be made into one again. You start putting on a mask. You smile when the world smiles and you cry when the world cries. But deep inside, you have become emotionless. You have become strong and weak at the same time. Strong so that you can move on but an utter of his/ her name can bring back the mountains of emotion to your heart and that weakens you. These are the emotions you were trying so hard to hide. Yet you feel helpless when you hear others talk about them. You lose yourself mentally and physically. The hollow space in your heart starts to shrink day by day but a mere sight of something related to them, enlarges it. At this point you become weak. Your sleeps are constantly disturbed. You toss around the whole night and that does not help you. You slowly become insomniac. At other times, you find yourself, standing with their belongings in your hand. Your heart skips a beat when someone, who has their scent, passes by. You easily identify that and look around to find who that is. At this point you end up thinking of your loved one. Some people find comfort in penning down their emotions. Some others go into hibernation, for months. They become depressed. Their loved one has died and you have survived. But it’s more like you have died too. People detach themselves from the worldly affair and indulge themselves in prayers. They constantly pray to have the departed soul blessed.
You think a lot about things you must have not thought before. You anticipate about certain things. You are constantly in fear. Anything you do, anywhere you go, and fear haunts you. Probably you have been doing that for years and going there for years but now it frightens you to do the same. The look you have in your eyes, always searching, never ends. The trauma hits you very hard and nothing appeals to you anymore. You try to come out of their web of thoughts but in vain. People around you can see and feel the pain in your eyes yet they are helpless.
I, at times think what my life would be like without the people I love. My parents mostly. I always see them appreciating each other and that makes me realize how happy they are with each other. They have been my support system and their death can literally cause me a lot. I have seen many a times my dad assuring my mom that she has been a good wife, a good daughter and most importantly a good mother and she should not worry about her deeds. That is like kind of assuring someone, you die as a good person. To an extend that thought heals you. When you know that the person has gone after fulfilling his/her jobs responsibly. If you lived as a good person, you certainly shall be remembered for the goods you have done. And thinking about the good things they have done, makes the pain lighter.